Decoy

I was trying to not care,

While I kept hoping you would care.

Of course I cared,

And maybe you did.

I wanted you to want more.

I wanted you to want me.

I knew you weren’t ready,

But you thought you were.

If you were ready,

Why didn’t you want me?

It’s over now,

Just like I knew it would be.

I knew it wouldn’t work,

From the beginning.

It was supposed to be for fun.

I thought I needed fun,

For once.

I thought you needed me,

To help you get over it all.

Now I just feel used.

You’re not over it,

And I’m left hurting.

Maybe I used you too,

So I could feel needed.

So you could fall for me,

And I could say no.

Because it wasn’t right,

From the beginning.

GAMES

We’ve been playing hide and seek, but I’m not trying to win. I keep hiding and hoping you’ll come find me, but every time you wait for me at home base. But still I keep hiding and believing you’ll come running. It seems like I’m the only one playing the game. I’m doing the hiding and the seeking. You’re just waiting for me to figure out that no one else is playing.

We were playing a card game, but no one told me the rules. I kept losing over and over and no one seemed to notice, they just kept playing the game. Sometimes I thought they didn’t even know I was in the game, but then they asked me to come back next week. The second time I played I understood. No one was playing a game. The cards didn’t mean anything, and no one ever won or lost.

I was playing on a team, a winning team. We were good as a team. I knew the team well, but I didn’t know anyone on it. I didn’t know who was good and who wasn’t. I just knew we were a good team, but did we even need to be good at all? Who were we competing against? And what made us good anyway? We were playing a game that no one else was playing, so we could always win.

Compared to What?

Smarter than her

Prettier than her

Faster than her

Happier than her

Friendlier than her

Holier than her

Thinner than her

Stronger than her

Who is she?

No one really knows.

Body and Soul

I need you to renew my soul.

I’m running and running and I can’t stop.

Slow me down and set me free.

Release the chains that imprison me.

Teach me to exercise my soul and let my body rest.

My legs are tired and my breathing is heavy.

My eyes are closed but I cannot find rest.

My body aches and my mind is weary.

Guilt buries my soul deep inside me.

I’ve traded my soul for my physical being.

My physical being withers away, but my soul is steadfast forever.

Clean my body and wash away the guilt,

So my soul may be seen and my body may rest.

When my eyes close my body will rest because my soul will be free.

My body will be strong because of the strength in my soul.

Chains cannot imprison the soul, only the body.

My body is weak and my soul is lost.

Renew my soul so that my body may rest.

Patterns of Intimacy

We’re acquaintances.

I know Your name.

I know who Your friends are.

But You’re not really a part of my life right now.

We’re casual friends.

I acknowledge You in the hall.

I have extended conversations with You occasionally.

But I’m still not sure if You’re for real.

We’re close friends.

I share my life with You each day.

I’m coming to understand who You really are.

But I still want so much more.

We’re a couple.

I share intimate details of my life with You.

I make sure people know that I’m Yours.

But I still want to be with You more.

We’re married.

I’ve let You all the way in.

I’ve decided to spend the rest of my life with You.

But I’m still a little scared of the rest of my life.

We’re lovers.

I have an intense passion for You.

I ache for You when You’re away.

But I wonder how long the passion can last.

We live together.

I feel like You’re far away sometimes.

I know we’ve fallen into a routine.

Sometimes I wonder why we’re still together.

We’re growing old together.

We share moments of intimacy worth more than all the days of routine.

We share life even when we feel so far apart.

It’s all just part of the pattern.

Transition

Introduce him.

As what?

Bring him home.

See their faces.

A second time.

This must be real.

They want to talk about him.

I don’t.

They come to see me.

He’s here.

I kiss him.

In front of them.

I’m with him.

Are they without me?

I’m scared.

Is it a choice?

A ring on my finger.

Everything changes.

The end.

The beginning.

Friend

You sat with me at lunch yesterday.

I heard your voice in the hall.

You walked with me at dawn today.

You held me as I cried.

But then I couldn’t find you anymore.

Why do I keep losing you?

Are you not still by my side?

I found you when I fell asleep.

You were walking through my dreams.

You told me you were always there.

I said I’m sorry, and I’ll be ready,

To walk with you in the morning.

I Cry

I cry for you each night,
Although you cry for someone else.
I can’t tell you how it hurts,
The pain destroys me.

I cry for your sadness,
But you do not know of mine.
Each time we speak I feel it,
I feel the pain that you don’t see.
Please take that away from me.

I cry to see your happiness,
For I know it will not last.
I want to help, but don’t know how,
For my help steals your happiness.

I cry because I care so much,
More than you’ll ever know.
I must find the strength to care that much,
And share that strength with you.

I cry for what I see you do each day.
I cry for what your past has made of you,
But most of all I cry because you do not cry for me.