Grace

God of my pain

God of my guilt

God of my sadness - 

Help me to understand

That You are not only God of all those things,

But You are also

God of my joy

God of my deliverance

And God of my happiness

Teach me to know the God of my failures

And the God of my success

Show me how You are not only

God of my insecurities

God of my fear

And God of my rejection

But also, God of my gifts

God of my hope

And God of my acceptance

I thought You were only in the pain

Because that was the deepest place

Now I know the pain was just the surface

I wanted You to take away the pain

But You helped me shovel through it to find the joy

You are

God of my day and God of my night

God of my hate and God of my love

God of my past and God of my future

God of my injustice

God of GRACE

After realizing how this man keeps appearing in my life I said to God, "Lord, is he who You intend for me?"

God replied, "No Sarah. He is intended for Me; that is why he's in your life."

I'm Yours

My heart aches for You

My wondering soul seeks Your comfort

Please come and hold me

Take my soul

Make it more like Yours

Change the outside of me

Make me show

Make You show in me

Seal up the broken places

Take away the walls

Guide my foot and my mouth

Show me Your footsteps that I might follow

Place Your hand on my heart.

All of me is Yours.

Comfort Zone

I’m sure you’ve had someone say to you, “Step out of your comfort zone.” My parents used to say it to me all the time. I hated it. I could never escape the image of me as a shy ten year old that was uncomfortable talking to my parent’s friends.

My opinion was that my comfort zone was so small that I was generally living outside of it. Maybe that zone is supposed to expand throughout life, but I don’t think mine ever did.

I thought this “comfort zone” would always be there for me when I needed to go hide inside it, but recently it started changing. I never thought of the possibility that the zone I had created for myself could change. I could see it getting bigger, but that’s not what’s been happening. Other are people are moving into it. It’s the same small space I had before, but now there are too many people for comfort in that small space.

I guess I’m going to have to make it bigger somehow. Everyone else in my comfort zone seems to have overlapping spaces, but I just have the one. All the overlapping spaces make my space smaller. I want my own overlapping space, but what do I do until I get it?

Things I find in my old journals

In 2006 and 2007 I thought I might fall in love....with no one in particular....

From 11-12-06

I've been away for a long time.

This time longer than before.

I haven't stopped talking to You,

But I've stopped feeling You inside.

I haven't stopped wanting You,

But I've stopped running after You.

I keep begging You to hold me tight,

But I'm the one that keeps letting go.

I keep looking for someone else to hold on to,

But no one else holds on like You.

I keep waiting for You to invite me back in,

But You've already told me I'm always welcome.

I have to come back to You because....

I belong with You.

From 1-21-07

What if they knew you already,

But I didn't?

I saw you differently this time.

You touched me;

I didn't pull away.

Could this be real?

Am I scared because it's you,

Or am I just scared?

Are you good at this?

I need you to be.

Can I forget what they said about you?

Can you become mine?

Even after you were theirs?

Can I know you beyond them?

From 1-25-07

I'm thinking of you.

I don't even know you.

I'm thinking of who I want you to be;

Who I hope you are.

It's the same with every one.

I make you who I want you to be.

It doesn't work.

Maybe I can make me want to know who you really are.

From 1-29-07

What if it was the end?

Would I be ready to go?

Of course I want to be with You,

But there is something here I want.

Love. Earthly love.

I want to know it.

Even if just so its imperfections can bring me back to You.

Can I know heavenly love better though the dissappointments of Earthly love?

I want to fall for it.

I know it will let me down.

But it will bring me running to You,

With a new passion.

And I'll be ready.

To go with You.

But if You said, "Come and go with me" today, would I go?

From 8-27-07

These are the depths of me

The parts I want you to see

The things I wish I could fix

The parts I don't understand

And the things I do to hide them

What if you fix the depths of me?

Shall I dig some other holes?

What if you understand the depths of me?

Are they not as deep as I thought?

Can you remove my depths?

It's not the depths of me

It's just me

I hide parts of me and bury them in the depths

So I can make you dig

Why is it taking you so long?

Then on 9-16-07

Micah 7:7-8

But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy. Though I fall I will rise; though I dwell in darkness, the Lord is a light for me.

Inside Out

Inside Out

There is someone else inside
Buried under all the layers
Layers of pain and layers of tears
But most of all, layers of fear.

There is someone else outside
Talking to the world
Hiding the pain and hiding the tears
And covering me with fear.

I have to peel away the layers
Show the pain and show the tears
Find the courage to fight the fear
And let the inside come out.

I can’t let anyone see my fear
The pain and the tears are safe inside
As long as no one can see them,
I can pretend they’re not there.

Luke 17:21

…the kingdom of God is within you.