Things I find in my old journals

In 2006 and 2007 I thought I might fall in love....with no one in particular....

From 11-12-06

I've been away for a long time.

This time longer than before.

I haven't stopped talking to You,

But I've stopped feeling You inside.

I haven't stopped wanting You,

But I've stopped running after You.

I keep begging You to hold me tight,

But I'm the one that keeps letting go.

I keep looking for someone else to hold on to,

But no one else holds on like You.

I keep waiting for You to invite me back in,

But You've already told me I'm always welcome.

I have to come back to You because....

I belong with You.

From 1-21-07

What if they knew you already,

But I didn't?

I saw you differently this time.

You touched me;

I didn't pull away.

Could this be real?

Am I scared because it's you,

Or am I just scared?

Are you good at this?

I need you to be.

Can I forget what they said about you?

Can you become mine?

Even after you were theirs?

Can I know you beyond them?

From 1-25-07

I'm thinking of you.

I don't even know you.

I'm thinking of who I want you to be;

Who I hope you are.

It's the same with every one.

I make you who I want you to be.

It doesn't work.

Maybe I can make me want to know who you really are.

From 1-29-07

What if it was the end?

Would I be ready to go?

Of course I want to be with You,

But there is something here I want.

Love. Earthly love.

I want to know it.

Even if just so its imperfections can bring me back to You.

Can I know heavenly love better though the dissappointments of Earthly love?

I want to fall for it.

I know it will let me down.

But it will bring me running to You,

With a new passion.

And I'll be ready.

To go with You.

But if You said, "Come and go with me" today, would I go?

From 8-27-07

These are the depths of me

The parts I want you to see

The things I wish I could fix

The parts I don't understand

And the things I do to hide them

What if you fix the depths of me?

Shall I dig some other holes?

What if you understand the depths of me?

Are they not as deep as I thought?

Can you remove my depths?

It's not the depths of me

It's just me

I hide parts of me and bury them in the depths

So I can make you dig

Why is it taking you so long?

Then on 9-16-07

Micah 7:7-8

But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy. Though I fall I will rise; though I dwell in darkness, the Lord is a light for me.

Inside Out

Inside Out

There is someone else inside
Buried under all the layers
Layers of pain and layers of tears
But most of all, layers of fear.

There is someone else outside
Talking to the world
Hiding the pain and hiding the tears
And covering me with fear.

I have to peel away the layers
Show the pain and show the tears
Find the courage to fight the fear
And let the inside come out.

I can’t let anyone see my fear
The pain and the tears are safe inside
As long as no one can see them,
I can pretend they’re not there.

Luke 17:21

…the kingdom of God is within you.

Looking Back

so i was reading through an old journal this morning. i read from april 2005 to september 2005. most of it was the summer before my fifth year in college when i was living in that little cookie cutter neighborhood alone with heidi, my first dog, before my 3 roommates moved in. i found myself jealous of that girl who was writing. she was so passionate and excited. she talked to God so honestly. she prayed for others all the time.

i know i still do those things. i just don’t write them down. i was also writing poetry all the time that summer. i was truly inspired. i know just writing anything inspires me.

i read one entry that i wrote in August that summer. i just wrote down all the things that were running through my head, in no context at all. here are some of them:

can i handle roommates?

is life easier alone?

am i afraid of getting close to anyone?

can i get my poetry published?

who am i? can i be that person? i’m scared.

is loneliness a comfort for me?

how can i want something so badly and be so afraid of it at the same time?

i don’t need to change

someone will love all of me, even my insecurities

when do i get to just relax and be myself?

did something get screwed up in my head so i can’t figure out how to show anyone who i am?

i’m nervous about people thinking i’m stupid because i’m a fifth year senior

that’s ridiculous. i know it’s not true and i don’t need to make excuses

no matter how hard i try i can’t seem to believe there is nothing wrong with me

i don’t need to change so people will like me

why i can’t i just be myself and other people can decide what they think?

Listen.

Are you talking to me?

I can’t hear you.

How quiet to I have to be to here you?

Why can’t you make it clear?

do you ever find yourself jealous of a person you used to be?

Behind the Door

There was the one that helped me find myself,

And the ones that made me want to be someone else.

There were the ones that taught me how to love,

And the ones that loved me just because.

Then there was the one I chose to love,

And that one taught me how to cry.

Now they’ve all moved on,

And even though they’re all gone,

I keep holding on….

Michael W. Smith - Pray for Me

Here is where the road divides

Here is where we realize

The sculpting of the Father's great design

Thru' time you've been a friend to me

But time is now the enemy

I wish we didn't have to say goodbye

But I know the road He chose for me

Is not the road he chose for you

So as we chase the dreams we're after

Pray for me and I'll pray for you

Pray that we will keep the common ground

Won't you pray for me and I'll pray for you

And one day love will bring us back around again

Brokenness

To be broken…..

I build walls,

To protect my heart.

Small walls,

So You can still see me,

But I can’t get out.

You let me build for a long time,

Just watching and waiting

For that moment,

The moment when You know

It’s time to break all my walls

It’s the seventh day

The trumpets sound

The walls fall

My heart finds You again.

I realize how long I’ve been building,

And how much I’ve missed having You close.

Lifehouse - Broken

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight

Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time

I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts

I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

Beach Reading

Why is it that all these parents are working hard to keep their kids away from TV? It’s books that distort our reality. I mean yes, they distort our reality while stimulating the brain and exercising the imagination. I’m not saying reading is bad. I just never realized that it creates an even more real fantasy land to distort our word view than television ever has.

The books are always better than the movies made out of them after all. I make all the characters perfect in my head of course. If I had read Cinderella before seeing the movie (it’s possible that it was read to me; I just remember the movie more) I would probably still be waiting on Prince Charming. I don’t know why I think I’m not waiting on him, but I like to believe that I know it’s a fantasy.

Maybe I’ve just forgotten how a good book impacts me. I guess I’ve been too busy reading CPA review books and accounting standards (those don’t really create the fantasy I desire). To lose yourself in a good book is truly amazing.  But what struck me the most when I was reading yesterday was how much more real it seemed to me than anything I see on TV. This could be because I’m a 26 year old watching shows on the CW made for teenagers, but still.

So the book I was reading, written by a man, created a grown up fantasy. I just don’t see how this man can write for women so well. I picture him probably being like Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets - a totally detached and unsociable man who just happens to be able to create the illusions that women crave.

My book starts with a 32-year-old man putting a hot tub in place on the deck of his house. His house that is located on an ocean inlet with a boat dock where we can keep his jet ski’s. I got the impression that he kept his two boats at the marina because the inlet was not much bigger than a creek. But he could just take his jet ski’s up to the marina and hop on his ski boat or his other boat (which I picture being more like a pontoon boat, but fast enough to work with his parasail). Or maybe he could take his jet ski’s over to the ocean-front lot that he purchases to build his dream house on whenever he gets a family.

The man is already perfect enough. Of course in my head he’s amazingly attractive, not so much so that all women would have flocked to him. We don’t want him to be too arrogant of course. His friends come over - all young couples with kids. Of course the kids all love him and he’s the favorite “uncle.”

I’m already in love with this man when we discover he’s the town vet. Really? A great job too? You see how the books are ruining reality? As if all this isn’t bad enough. He starts a romance with his new neighbor. They fall madly in love in one weekend of course.

Forget the boy next door. This is the MAN next door! A grown up fantasy for every 26-year-old single woman. I need to buy a house!

This wasn’t even one of those really cheesy romance novels. I mean it had it moments, but it brought in a little reality in part two. I won’t give it all away. Maybe today’s book will have some woman meeting her “Prince Charming” on a beach vacation. Then I can really relive all my childhood fantasies.

Inspirations

I can make it more than just poetry. I'm going to include some of my inspirations. I was looking through TrueFaced this morning and I was reminded of how much it spoke to me. One quote particularly stuck out to me as I will be required to "perform" tomorrow:

"We are all performers. One question remains: Will you perform to gain the acceptance and pleasure of your audience -- and always feel that you have failed? Or will you perform out of a heart of trusting delight, knowing you have already pleased your Audience?"

Some other great quotes from TrueFaced, a book by Bill Thrall, Bruce Nicol and John Lynch.

"...one of God's dreams is that we would influence others far more out of who are than out of what we do."

In the room of Grace.....

"Flawed and broken and fragile people are celebrated for their vulnerability and dogged dependence upon their identity in Christ."

"Grace is the face love wears, when it meets imperfection."

Pre-Mother's Day Posting

Possibility of no internet access tomorrow, so I wanted to get this in.....

Mother

Last night I dreamt that you were gone.

It was only for a day, but you were really gone,

Not just for a little while.

We tried to mourn for you,

But we weren’t ready yet, still shocked,

Hoping it wasn’t real.

I shed tears and felt pain deep inside.

But most of all I felt all alone.

My soul lost, undefined.

No one knows my soul like you do.

Too much of me reminds me of you.

How can I be myself without you?

If you’re gone is the part of you that’s in me gone too?

The next day you came back,

And I begged you never to go again.

You told me you would have to go one day,

But you said that part of you would always be in me, and me in you.

You said I’d have to keep being me even if you were gone,

So someone else can have a part of both of us.

Ruth 1
¹⁶ But Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. ¹⁷ Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me."

Proverbs 31

²⁰She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

²⁵She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

²⁶She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

²⁸Her children arise and call her blessed.

³¹Give her the reward she has earned and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

A little more information....

So I originally made a book of poems as a Mother's Day gift. In the book were many of the poems I post here. For each poem in the book I also put a quote/verse/song that I thought helped convey the meaning of the poem. I'm not really sure if I can post in book format here, so I'm going to add a little excerpt from whatever went with the poem in my book. I have to catch up on all the ones I've already posted though, so here is a list:

I Cry

- "Jesus Wept" - John 11:35

Friend

- "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart: he gently leads those that have young." - Isaiah 40:11

Compared to What?

- "....and all I ever have to be is what You've made me, any more or less would be a step out of Your plan..." - Amy Grant, All I Ever Have to Be

Body and Soul

- "He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." - Psalm 23:2-3

Games

- "Jesus said, 'For judgement I have come into this world, so that the blind will see and those who see will become blind.'" - John 9:39

Holes in the Wall

- "When the trumpets sounded, the people shouted, and at the sound of the trumpet, when the people gave a loud shout, the wall collapsed; so every man charged straight in, and took the city." - Joshua 6:20

Face to Face

- "He said to them, 'When you pray, say: Father, hallowed be Your name, Your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread. Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation.'" - Luke 11:2-4

Patterns of Intimacy

- "I've come to love the way You cover me with who You are." - Steve Fee, Here I am for You

Some of them don't have quotes to go with them yet. The book is always a work in progress. I also have colorful backgrounds for all the poems in the book. It might be a while before I can post the full picture...I have to save money to get photoshop for my mac. 

Face to Face

I’ve spent long enough being angry with you.

I’ve spent so long trying to understand.

But I don’t understand and being angry doesn’t help.

I’ve thought about forgiving you,

For a long time I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do it.

Now I think I can say it.

But I don’t think I believe it in my heart.

I just wish I could know if you’re sorry.

I can still feel the pain when I think about that day.

I remember the hatred I saw in your eyes when you saw me once again.

Do you know what you took from me?

Not just that day, but since the day I met you.

Day by day you took away little parts of who I was, who we all were.

Did you think if you take away who we are then you won’t have to face who you are?

Does it make you angry that we all recover and discover who we were truly meant to be,

And you’re still scared about who you really are?

Holes in the Wall

Before the wall we played in a big room.

Our differences disappeared in that room.

Then the wall went up.

It happened so fast I barely noticed it.

For a long time I never thought of breaking through the wall.

The big room was gone and there would forever be a wall between us.

Then I could hear you on the other side,

Saying things I never knew,

Because I stayed on my side of the wall.

Later I started listening.

Could I know you through the wall?

When we were beside each other the wall kept us apart.

Now we’re far apart without a wall,

But I’m still trying to break it down.

Sometimes I see you through the holes in the wall.

I’m still trying to get you to help me break it down.

Decoy

I was trying to not care,

While I kept hoping you would care.

Of course I cared,

And maybe you did.

I wanted you to want more.

I wanted you to want me.

I knew you weren’t ready,

But you thought you were.

If you were ready,

Why didn’t you want me?

It’s over now,

Just like I knew it would be.

I knew it wouldn’t work,

From the beginning.

It was supposed to be for fun.

I thought I needed fun,

For once.

I thought you needed me,

To help you get over it all.

Now I just feel used.

You’re not over it,

And I’m left hurting.

Maybe I used you too,

So I could feel needed.

So you could fall for me,

And I could say no.

Because it wasn’t right,

From the beginning.

GAMES

We’ve been playing hide and seek, but I’m not trying to win. I keep hiding and hoping you’ll come find me, but every time you wait for me at home base. But still I keep hiding and believing you’ll come running. It seems like I’m the only one playing the game. I’m doing the hiding and the seeking. You’re just waiting for me to figure out that no one else is playing.

We were playing a card game, but no one told me the rules. I kept losing over and over and no one seemed to notice, they just kept playing the game. Sometimes I thought they didn’t even know I was in the game, but then they asked me to come back next week. The second time I played I understood. No one was playing a game. The cards didn’t mean anything, and no one ever won or lost.

I was playing on a team, a winning team. We were good as a team. I knew the team well, but I didn’t know anyone on it. I didn’t know who was good and who wasn’t. I just knew we were a good team, but did we even need to be good at all? Who were we competing against? And what made us good anyway? We were playing a game that no one else was playing, so we could always win.

Compared to What?

Smarter than her

Prettier than her

Faster than her

Happier than her

Friendlier than her

Holier than her

Thinner than her

Stronger than her

Who is she?

No one really knows.

Body and Soul

I need you to renew my soul.

I’m running and running and I can’t stop.

Slow me down and set me free.

Release the chains that imprison me.

Teach me to exercise my soul and let my body rest.

My legs are tired and my breathing is heavy.

My eyes are closed but I cannot find rest.

My body aches and my mind is weary.

Guilt buries my soul deep inside me.

I’ve traded my soul for my physical being.

My physical being withers away, but my soul is steadfast forever.

Clean my body and wash away the guilt,

So my soul may be seen and my body may rest.

When my eyes close my body will rest because my soul will be free.

My body will be strong because of the strength in my soul.

Chains cannot imprison the soul, only the body.

My body is weak and my soul is lost.

Renew my soul so that my body may rest.

Patterns of Intimacy

We’re acquaintances.

I know Your name.

I know who Your friends are.

But You’re not really a part of my life right now.

We’re casual friends.

I acknowledge You in the hall.

I have extended conversations with You occasionally.

But I’m still not sure if You’re for real.

We’re close friends.

I share my life with You each day.

I’m coming to understand who You really are.

But I still want so much more.

We’re a couple.

I share intimate details of my life with You.

I make sure people know that I’m Yours.

But I still want to be with You more.

We’re married.

I’ve let You all the way in.

I’ve decided to spend the rest of my life with You.

But I’m still a little scared of the rest of my life.

We’re lovers.

I have an intense passion for You.

I ache for You when You’re away.

But I wonder how long the passion can last.

We live together.

I feel like You’re far away sometimes.

I know we’ve fallen into a routine.

Sometimes I wonder why we’re still together.

We’re growing old together.

We share moments of intimacy worth more than all the days of routine.

We share life even when we feel so far apart.

It’s all just part of the pattern.

Transition

Introduce him.

As what?

Bring him home.

See their faces.

A second time.

This must be real.

They want to talk about him.

I don’t.

They come to see me.

He’s here.

I kiss him.

In front of them.

I’m with him.

Are they without me?

I’m scared.

Is it a choice?

A ring on my finger.

Everything changes.

The end.

The beginning.

Friend

You sat with me at lunch yesterday.

I heard your voice in the hall.

You walked with me at dawn today.

You held me as I cried.

But then I couldn’t find you anymore.

Why do I keep losing you?

Are you not still by my side?

I found you when I fell asleep.

You were walking through my dreams.

You told me you were always there.

I said I’m sorry, and I’ll be ready,

To walk with you in the morning.

I Cry

I cry for you each night,
Although you cry for someone else.
I can’t tell you how it hurts,
The pain destroys me.

I cry for your sadness,
But you do not know of mine.
Each time we speak I feel it,
I feel the pain that you don’t see.
Please take that away from me.

I cry to see your happiness,
For I know it will not last.
I want to help, but don’t know how,
For my help steals your happiness.

I cry because I care so much,
More than you’ll ever know.
I must find the strength to care that much,
And share that strength with you.

I cry for what I see you do each day.
I cry for what your past has made of you,
But most of all I cry because you do not cry for me.